My usual feelings

I wrestle with a certain set of feelings nearly constantly and I pray that God will deliver me from them because they are negative and depressing. I feel trapped. I want to be solely a husband to my wife and hopefully fairly soon a grandpa.

Where I feel trapped is that I cannot be simply a husband because I made the decision to be a father/guardian out special needs l title girl. I struggle so badly because I deeply love that little girl yet I do not want to keep taking care of her. She’s had a tough life so far and I want to make the rest of her life better but I also don’t want to be around her. She has reactive attachment disorder which gives her extremely difficult behavior to deal with. The toughest ones for me are complete defiance and the lovely pooping and peeing on the carpet.

There are days like today where I just want to run. I just want to escape the poop, pee and screaming. My wife also has a way of arguing which has grated on me since we were first married and makes discussion of subjects where we disagree nearly completely useless. I want to escape the anxiety, the anger and feeling useless in both my relationship with our little one and my wife.

The first post…

Well this is the first one. Lord please show me how to write to get the message out that you want me to. I think God wants me to help dads that are struggling with caring for their special needs kids.

I’m a dad who, with my wife, is close to adopting our little one. She has has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder because her mom drank while she was pregnant. Our little one’s prefrontal cortex was damaged by the alcohol so she is very delayed. In her latest assessment she had an IQ of 69 and a mental age of about four event though physically she is eight.

16FEB2019 – Today was a decent day. Kristin and I despite staying up late didn’t sleep as late as we normally do. I got up around 11am and took Mia and Ellie up to the park so Mia could sled on the snow. She had a great time and so did Ellie because she got to play with a fellow Corgi mix. We stayed long enough that Mia had enough play and left the park without throwing a fit.

I did have a reminder today that I have to be vigilant in remembering to communicate with my awesome wife. I went to start my new job where I thought I was going to only do hiring paperwork. It turned out the manager wanted me to do some new hire training. The new hire training ended up taking much longer than expected. I had tweeted and Kristin didn’t like it within a view minutes so I very incorrectly assumed that Kristin was asleep. I majorly forgot that Kristin had her last mental illness spouses meeting tonight and that combined with my assumption that Kristin was asleep resulted in me forgetting to communicate that I was staying to complete the new hire training. Kristin ran out of time without me there and was unable to go to the store and pick up her food contribution to the final meeting. I must be vigilant and essentially over communicate with Kristin. I’m going to make my goal to essentially irritate Kristin with her.